The Third Way
Years ago, I had a conversation with my therapist around accepting certain family dynamics I was struggling with.
You see, I’d been living in a paradigm that allowed only two options;
Tolerate what was intolerable, or
Resist, fight it with everything you’ve got.
And what I hadn’t known was that there was a third way.
There was the potential to step out of that paradigm altogether, but it would require a radical acceptance of what was.
And I’m not going to lie: I struggled with this.
I wanted things to be different so bad. I felt they should be different – that things as they were just weren’t right.
But, with great compassion, she pointed out to me that I could go on wishing, hoping, insisting that life – and other people – should be different, staying stuck in the stalemate of arguing with reality.
Or I could surrender my fight with what is, and see what emerged from total acceptance.
Now I wish I could say that things changed overnight, but – like all meaningful work – acceptance is a practice.
And with acceptance also came grief and a certain, intangible kind of loss.
But I came to understand that acceptance didn’t mean there was no potential for change, or that I wouldn’t still desire or enjoy a change.
Rather it meant that my wellbeing and sanity were not dependent on things changing.
That some things were what they were no matter how loud I insisted they shouldn’t be.
And through acceptance – through the third way that wasn’t tolerating the intolerable or fighting what was – that I could allow real change to occur.
Because from acceptance comes agency, power and creativity.
From acceptance comes freedom.
To choose who and how we want to be.
To choose how we want to respond and engage.
To live our values and to act with intention, care and precision.
It’s through acceptance – not resignation, not tolerance, not resistance – that we create the conditions for life’s myriad possibilities to unfold.
It’s in the third way that we can stop fighting paradigms, and transcend them.
The Third Way For Changemakers
While the example I’ve shared is one that I practiced on a micro-level in my life, it applies to our macro-world as well, including the principles of changemaking.
It was Buckminster Fuller who said “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” Now, there is nuance with this idea: there is a necessary and beautiful space for resistance and defiance, particulalry in the face of rising authoritarianism, ecocide and fascism.
But can our defiance and resistance be rooted in the Third Way? Can we show up for what matters, show up for possibility, while also accepting reality?
Can we allow our wellbeing and sanity to be rooted in the greeting of reality, and not its denial?
Part of the reason I’m fascinated by this approach is because, paradoxically, radical acceptance - one of the powers we need to transcend paradigms - is one of the greatest leverage points we have in systems transformation.
Donella Meadows in her brilliant work Places to Intervene in a System (highly recommended reading) writes (emphasis mine):
“There is yet one leverage point that is even higher than changing a paradigm. That is to keep oneself unattached in the arena of paradigms, to stay flexible, to realize that NO paradigm is “true,” that every one, including the one that sweetly shapes your own worldview, is a tremendously limited understanding of an immense and amazing universe that is far beyond human comprehension. It is to “get” at a gut level the paradigm that there are paradigms, and to see that that itself is a paradigm, and to regard that whole realization as devastatingly funny. It is to let go into Not Knowing, into what the Buddhists call enlightenment.
People who cling to paradigms (which means just about all of us) take one look at the spacious possibility that everything they think is guaranteed to be nonsense and pedal rapidly in the opposite direction. Surely there is no power, no control, no understanding, not even a reason for being, much less acting, in the notion or experience that there is no certainty in any worldview. But, in fact, everyone who has managed to entertain that idea, for a moment or for a lifetime, has found it to be the basis for radical empowerment. If no paradigm is right, you can choose whatever one will help to achieve your purpose. If you have no idea where to get a purpose, you can listen to the universe (or put in the name of your favorite deity here) and do his, her, its will, which is probably a lot better informed than your will.
It is in this space of mastery over paradigms that people throw off addictions, live in constant joy, bring down empires, get locked up or burned at the stake or crucified or shot, and have impacts that last for millennia.”
The power to transcend paradigms - to shift our thinking and ways of being beyond extraction, beyond domination, beyond disconnection - holds some of the greatest potential we have for widespread transformation.
Perhaps, throughout history, this ability has been rare - but there are skills we can develop and practice to cultivate it, starting with radical acceptance.
My prayer for today: may we radically accept reality as it is, and cease our fight with it - even as we show up for the work.
Reflection Prompts
To explore this concept deeper, consider these three reflection prompts:
1. Where might I confuse acceptance with tolerance or resignation, and how might they be different?
2. What do I feel if I sit with this moment, right now, surrendering the need to fix or change? What space opens up?
3. What might be different if my actions were rooted in radical acceptance?
